


Sequel: Protect Jillian Holtzmann Always

by jilliangilbert



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Adorable, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Falling In Love, Female Friendship, Femslash, Romance, Sexy, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-09 13:04:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7802932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliangilbert/pseuds/jilliangilbert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to “Protect Jillian Holtzmann Always” to explore Jillian and Erin’s blossoming relationship. Lots of romance/first time and dating/fluff, a bit of smut ;). And of course emotional hurt/comfort and sweetness. :)<br/>I think you can read this without reading the first part of you’d prefer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nightmares

Jillian wakes up startled, reaching for something that’s not there. “Oww,” she screams. She’s fallen asleep on the soft velvet baby-blue couch at the firehouse. A multi-colored patchwork quilt Abby made draped over her. It’s 5:00PM and she was just planning to take a 20 minute nap at 2:00PM but she was apparently pretty exhausted.

“Holtz??” Erin calls from the first floor, bounding up the stairs. Jill is rubbing her eyes and sits up putting her head in her hands.

“Darling…what’s the matter?” Erin comes directly to her and kneels in front of her. “Are you hurt?” Erin probes, concern written on her face.

Jill looks up, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. “Just my heart,” she says softly, with that thick Long Island drawl. Erin’s eyes go soft as she comes to sit on the couch beside her. She pulls Jill into her lap with one hand holding her still sleepy warm body and the other stroking her cheek, her fingers massaging behind Jill’s ear and her thumb rubbing along her high cheekbone.

“That better?” Erin asks. “Much better,” Holtz murmurs into Erin’s neck, placing her lips at the base of Erin’s throat and then nuzzling her cheek back against Erin’s chest.

“Eyy! Dinner’s early today. Pineapple pizza, baby! Wha..eyy, what’s wrong, Little Bit?” Patty asks. “She okay?”

“I think so,” Erin says, trying to look hopeful.

“You can tell her,” Holtz says as she takes Erin’s face in her hand forcing Erin to make a fish face with her mouth. At this, Holtz’s blue eyes cross and she sticks her tongue out. Erin giggles pulling Holtz’s hand away from her face, kissing her palm. Holtz smiles, her nostrils flaring.

“Tell me what?” Patty asks.

“Holtz woke up screaming again. She fell asleep while I was downstairs finalizing the budget to send to the Mayor, and I came up here to see what was wrong.”

“So…what is wrong?” Patty asks concerned. Holtz looks down as Patty walks over.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“For what?” Patty asks, sitting at their feet, “Being human?”

“By the way Erin, there’s a weird ringing sound coming from your laptop. Meant to tell you that when I first came upstairs.”

“Oh shoot!” Erin says, “I need to—You okay?” she says turning to Jillian.

“Yah, baby, go. I’m fine.”

Erin disentangles Holtz from her arms and darts down the stairs. Holtz is seated on the couch now, both feet planted on the floor, as she turns her palms facing up and begins to stare intently at the lines in them, as if they’re a map.

Patty snaps to get her attention.

“Hey, look at me. You know you’re strong, right? This does not make you weak.”

Holtz doesn’t answer.

“You know that we count on you? You’re the mastermind behind the ghostbusters. Doing what we do would be impossible with you. The rest of us? You could probably replace our ass. I know you could replace mine.”

“That’s not true.” Holtz snaps up, “That last part. You’re essential to this. To us. To me.”

Patty reaches for her hand, clearly touched.

“Which is why you’re gonna listen to me right now,” Patty says firmly.

Holtz holds Patty’s hands rubbing them absentmindedly with her thumb. She looks up into Patty’s deep brown eyes searching for steadiness.

“Baby, I know what you’ve been through. I know we haven’t talked about it, and we don’t have to. I don’t know every detail and I don’t need to unless you wanna tell me. But what I do know is that you make me laugh every day. You keep me on my toes and sometimes you honestly scare the shit out of me,” at this remark, Holtz grins sheepishly. Patty continues, “But I love you. You have to know that. Believe that. And you know what that means?” Patty asks, her sparkling smile revealing the tender heart Jillian has grown to appreciate so much.

Holtz shakes her head unsure.

“It means I got you.”

‘I got you baby’ plays back in Jillian’s mind from the day Patty saved her. Jill starts to cry. Tears spilling down onto Patty’s hands. Her nose scrunches up and her bottom lip quivers.

“Patty, it was so bad…I want to forget the whole thing and I can’t. I can’t forget it. Because it was real and she was real and she never even opened her eyes. And I’m not allowed to be in pain because she’s not here and it’s all my fault. I don’t deserve to be here, to be happy.” Holtz chokes out.


	2. Worth It

Erin, who’s finished up the last of her work, turns the corner up the stairs and sees Jill crying. It’s the first time she’s seen her cry. She’s seen her teary eyed, and a bit choked up but never full on cry. Erin stays immobile, feeling powerless. Patty’s wiping Jill’s face gently with the back of her hands, talking to Holtz with a gentle but firm cadence in her voice, but Erin can't make out what she's saying. Erin feels hot and her mouth is dry. Suddenly, all of her insecurities are taking over. The feeling of the faucet that burst open inside her chest when Abby told her about Holtzmann losing her baby is starting to flare up again. She’s so scared of this feeling. So scared of every feeling she has toward Jillian.

Erin has never been in love before. She was an only child. A good student who got good grades and then a good job and she was supposed to find a good man and marry him and grow a garden and plant flowers. But that never happened and so she figured she would always be alone. Then she meets Jillian…she doesn’t know what to do with her at first. Jill is so wild and free. Erin doesn’t know anything about wild and free. She likes neat and orderly. She likes her soft sweaters that go over her crisp button down shirts. She likes her alphabetized stack of books. So she does what Erin does best, she shuts off her emotions. And lusts after Kevin. He’s dreamy. He’s safe. He’s probably good at sex. Boring predictable sex. The kind where she knows how it starts and ends. It’s not bad, but she’s never considered what sex with someone so wild and free would be like, would feel like. She doesn’t let any of these emotions catch up with her until that evening in the cemetery, where her center of gravity shifts in such a way that she’ll never be the same.

Now she’s here again, back in her body, aware of these feelings. These feelings led her to push Jill against a wall and kiss her madly. They led her to come running when she heard Jill scream herself awake from yet another nightmare during her afternoon nap. But seeing her cry…this is new, and scary and Erin is afraid to move. She wants to be brave and strong like Holtz is for everyone else. She can’t stand to see her reeling from these nightmares. Can’t stand to see her in pain. Erin’s chest aches.

“Hey! Where is everybody?!” Abby calls out from downstairs slamming the door. “Geez! You’d think a girl could get a hand with some highly flammable equipment around here.”

At this, Holtz’s ears perk up. Patty, who’s still sitting in front of her winks.

“That’s my girl. You gonna be alright, baby?”

Holtzmann nods and wipes her eyes. She kisses Patty on the forehead and wraps her in a tight hug. If Holtz could’ve chosen a mother, she’d have chosen Patty Tolan.

“Thank you, Patty. I love you.”

“I love you too. You just remember who you are and who loves you when these bad thoughts come in trying to steal your light, okay?”

“Okay,” Holtz replies.

“Hey!!” Abby calls again.

“Coming!” Holtz sniffs, and seeing Erin, she smirks with her trademark swag. “You coming, Gilbert?”

Erin blushes. The light in the room has returned. Holtzmann is doing a version of the moonwalk past her now and slides down the bannister to greet Abby.

“This person is worth it,” Erin thinks, “She’s worth protecting. She’s worth stepping out of my comfort zone. She’s worth getting to know fully and completely.” Erin feels warm and strong. She’s learning how to come alive.


	3. Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Backstory

When Jillian was nineteen she had a soul-blinding crush on a tall, lanky, green-eyed girl named Liz. Liz was twenty-one and an art student at a nearby Art Conservatory.

The first time Jill saw Liz she was at a bar called Joystix that doubled as an arcade. Holtz had set a routine for herself of eating dinner in her dorm—where she had a tiny bedroom to herself and shared a living room with three other girls who hadn’t bothered to learn her name—and then going to Joystix for a Rootbeer float and playing Ms. Pacman alone before heading back to the lab to work on her physics projects. The Rootbeer float always made Holtz grin from ear to ear. The mixture of the bubbles from the soda tickling her throat and the cream from the vanilla ice cream were a match made in heaven as far as she was concerned.

One evening, as she sipped away, her open textbook beside her, Liz sat down next to her.

“Hey,” Liz gazed at her with a perplexing look. “I just noticed that you have the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen and I thought, ‘I have to be friends with this girl.’”

Holtz blushed a deep pink, continuing to slurp her float. Licking her lips, she told Liz that she’d like that but she was leaving the next day to spend her Christmas break at a research facility in London—she’d been the only female from her program selected to participate.

“Can I leave you my email? You can email me. We can get to know each other when I get back. My email is jillian dot marie dot, that’s a dot in between both words, those are my names—dot holtzmann, that’s my last name, at M I T dot E D U. That’s the school I go to.” Holtz took a breath looking down at her fingers that were now drumming on the counter.

“Pretty name,” Liz smiled.

Liz scribbled down her email for Holtz and placed it in her hand, “Have fun on your trip, Jillian. I’ll see you when you get back.”

On her first night in London, as her classmates headed back to their dorms to shower, one of the guys popped Jillian with a towel on the back of her thighs. The three other guys thought it was hilarious so Holtz had to play along. She had to be tough; she couldn’t _cry_ in front of them, not on the first night. Her leg stung even through her pants. When she stripped down in the shower stall, she saw that a huge red welt appeared and blood trickled down. She turned on the shower and cried.

She wanted to at least be able to enjoy London during her down time. She had read so many books about it that made it seem magical; and it was Christmas time, but a thick layer of depression was seeping into her bones. She felt so cold and dreary and isolated. She took a cold walk downtown, able to peek into windows where she saw dining room tables set with food, trees lit up and covered with tinsel. She felt like Peter Pan, looking into windows at families, searching for a place to belong. Going to the lab now felt like a chore and she was terrified one of the guys might do something else horrible to her that they felt was socially acceptable.  

She had been so proud of herself for getting accepted to the program but she wasn’t even able to focus on the lectures. The professor teasingly called her “Ditzmann”. It was all too much. She felt alone and crazy for feeling hurt by her classmates and professor. She wanted to go home where she could at least return to her familiar routine. 

On the flight back, she remembered Liz. She pulled out her laptop and sent Liz an email.

_I land tonight. I’m very tired and kind of dirty. I mean literally. Travel dirt. But if you want, You can pick me up from the airport._

_Sincerely, JMH_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Chapter 2 of the first installation gave a bit of Holtzmann's college backstory, but I wanted to tell a specific lengthier story this time. It's super angsty. I kind of apologize. But to anyone out there with a painful past, maybe you'll find solace and solidarity with my characterization of Jillian.
> 
> I have a habit of just going into a backstory in between chapters. Hopefully that's not totally confusing.


	4. Nineteen Continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> backstory cont... TW: homophobia

Liz picked Jill up from the airport and took her back to her downtown loft. It was gorgeous. Everything-from the architecture, to the furniture, to all the artwork. The loft was 3-bedrooms and Liz had two other roommates. They were all art students from wealthy families.

Jill was enamored immediately. She felt like she’d found Heaven.

“You can take a shower if you want. I’ll order dinner.” Liz said nonchalantly.

Jill was poor. She had been dirt poor her whole life, always relying on the handouts from her foster families. Her scholarship covered only her tuition and a small living stipend, so her $2.00 Rootbeer floats were the only treats she experienced. But Liz’s bathroom looked like a freaking palace. She ended up falling asleep in Liz’s bed with a full belly, clean soft pajamas, and a sense of comfort she’d not really ever known.

From then on, she and Liz were inseparable. Holtz followed Liz everywhere. She would go with her to her art studio and watch her paint. She slept over at Liz’s almost every night. She memorized every freckle on Liz’s arms. At night, Liz would lay her head on Jill’s chest and ask her to play with her hair or tickle her back.

Once when they were eating lunch, Liz’s roommate came into the kitchen. “Isn’t Jill precious?” Liz asked. “She’s like the little sister I never had. She follows me everywhere I go.” Liz and her roommate laughed, but Jill’s face felt hot. She couldn’t finish her food. She excused herself to the bathroom where she collected her thoughts. She dug her nails into her arms. She was too young still, too alone, too locked into the belief systems she had been taught in conversion therapy to stand up for herself. “You’re sick, Jillian. Who did you think you were? Prince Charming? She loves you like a sister. You’ve never had a sister. So be appreciative.”

But Jill couldn’t control her feelings. When Liz would lie on her chest asking for the blonde to play with her hair or tickle her back, Jill began to notice a pool of wetness between her legs. She felt desire and shame mixed together so strongly that she felt like she would be torn in half. She stifled the moans that longed to escape from her throat. She continued to play with Liz’s hair, never once having the gesture reciprocated.

Jill began doing poorly in school, all of her energy was spent making sure Liz was happy. She felt such a profound emptiness when she was away from her. She wanted to make it stop. She wanted to be okay on her own again, but she had tasted a morsel of what masqueraded as affection for the first time in her life, and she found herself not able to function without Liz around. She had forgotten that the light surrounding her, the smile Liz was drawn to, was there from her own conception.

At nineteen, starving for love, Jill wasn’t able to walk away from what had turned into painful emotional abuse.

“I need you to leave, Jillian. I feel like you don’t respect my space.” Liz’s words sliced through Jill’s already tender heart.

“I’ll just. I’ll just sit over here. I’ll be quiet. You won’t even notice me.” Jill cowered, afraid if she left she would never see Liz again. Believing she wouldn’t survive if that happened.

“My roommates think you’re a pervert, you know. I’ve tried to defend you, but when I change my clothes, you stare at me Jillian. It makes me uncomfortable,” she scoffed, “And I just really need you to leave. I have a date tonight.”

Jill’s fragile spirit was shattered.

These words would haunt her every single day for the next three years, until she began her Master’s degree and met Dr. Gorin—someone who was like her. Someone who let her know she wasn’t a mistake, or a glitch, or sick.

This is why Abby matters to Jillian. Why Patty matters. Why Erin Gilbert calling her darling and kissing her first matters. And this is what Erin means when she desires to know Jillian wholly and completely. She wants to right every wrong. She wants to slay every dragon and kill every ghost in Jill’s past. She wants to find every point of pain and massage it all away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Chapter 2 of the first installation gave a bit of Holtzmann's college backstory, but I wanted to tell a specific lengthier story this time. It's super angsty. I kind of apologize. But to anyone out there with a painful past, maybe you'll find solace and solidarity with my characterization of Jillian.
> 
> I have a habit of just going into a backstory in between chapters. Hopefully that's not totally confusing.


	5. Tell Me

Erin can hear Holtz and Abby squealing over the new equipment downstairs. She goes into the kitchen where Patty is putting the pizza in the oven and shuts the door.

“Patty tell me,” Erin says, turning to her friend.

The historian sighs, “What do you wanna know?”

“Everything,” Erin says with certainty. “Everything you know about Holtz. Anything. All of it. She talks to you.”

“Alright, well, you have to read between the lines with Holtz,” Patty says. “She doesn’t come right out and say it. You have to notice when she flinches. Ya know? She’s a reactor. You see it in her body. On her face. Shoot, man. You should’ve seen her face when Abby fell into that vortex. I’d never seen someone in so much pain. And then when you jumped in. I mean damn, Erin. Looked like she had been shot. She grabbed the end of your cable so fast.”

Erin squeezes her eyes shut, taking a breath before re-opening them.

“And when she was crying earlier?…” Erin asks.

Patty bites her bottom lip. “She’s torn up, Erin. She’s spent too many years with a hole in her heart the size of that vortex you jumped in. And when she made an attempt to fill it…” Patty trails off for a second. “She feels guilty,” Patty continues, “That’s why she has nightmares. The world convinces women we’re responsible for every bad thing that happens to us. It rarely lets us take credit for the good.” Patty pauses again, taking the pizzas out of the oven turning to head downstairs, “Do you love her, Erin?”

“Yes,” Erin says, “with all my heart.”

“Then protect her.”


	6. Like Marie Antoinette

Abby is in the process of setting up one of the new contraptions she just picked up and Patty is enthusiastically reading a book on the history of the Chelsea Hotel out loud to Kevin.

Jillian is mid-bite into her pineapple pizza, head banging to the 80’s hair metal song blaring from her boom-box, when Erin walks up to her and throws the slice right out of her hand and hits Kevin square in the face.

Erin places her hand over Jill’s chest; she feels Jill’s heartbeat pumping into her. Her other hand cups Jill’s face as she kisses those delicious, full, pink lips—pineapple juice, pizza sauce and all. Jill kisses her back but is having some trouble because of the open-mouth smile spreading across her lips. She’s dreamed about the way Erin’s mouth tastes on hers since the last time Erin surprised her like this. Erin kisses Jill’s dimples, as Jill scrunches up her nose. She’s now kissing her entire face, over and over until Jill has fully dissolved into a delirium of laughter, her muscular arms clinging to Erin’s neck. Jill’s breath is warm and sweet against Erin’s cheeks.

“Damn, Erin! Get a room!” Abby yells from her work station.

“Nah, Erin, you get it right here!” Patty yells while shaking her head at Kevin, who’s still trying to work out why there is pizza sauce on his face.

“St..Stah..Stop,” Jill pants, her sides aching from laughter. Erin gives her another wet kiss on the cheek and pulls back to look at Jill’s baby blue eyes. “Don’t stop.” Jill says softly, giving Erin the most heart-melting puppy eyes she’s ever seen. “Mmm” Erin murmurs. “I’ll do this for the rest of my life, if you want.”

“I do. Please. Yes.” Jillian says pressing her forehead into Erin’s. Erin lifts Jill up onto the counter knocking some probably important documents off in the process, but she doesn’t care one bit.

“What’s your middle name, beautiful?” Erin asks.

“Marie…Like Marie Antoinette,” Jill answers.

“Jillian Marie,” Erin pulls Jill’s body closer to her, “Will you go steady with me?”

“Wow…is it 1952…” Abby chuckles. Erin side-eyes her, and then turns back to Jill.

“Will you be my girl?” Erin asks this time.

“On one condition,” Holtz says, eyes sparkling.

“Anything…” Erin replies.

“Will you dance with me?”

“Yes, darling.” Erin kisses her again. This time slower. Holtz reaches back to her boom-box, finding another track on her mix tape. She stops at _Landslide_ by Stevie Nicks.

Abby tears up, remembering the last time she heard the song.

Jillian hops off the counter and leads Erin to the middle of the floor.


	7. Masterpiece

Erin decides that she has to take Jill out on a proper date. She’s wracking her brain trying to come up with where to take her that’s not overly cliché. Dinner and a movie? Holtz does love to eat. Should they go on a hike? “Ew, no. I don’t wanna surprise her with exercise,” Erin thinks.

“Abbyyyy,” Erin whines, “What would make Holtz light up like a Christmas tree if I were to take her there?”

Abby looks up from her lunch. “Take her to the Rosewood County Carnival. It’s a bit of a drive upstate, but I promise, if you wanna see Holtzy light up like a Christmas tree, take her to a free-for-all of cotton candy and funnel cakes and shot-guns that pop balloons to win giant teddy bears.”

Jillian is currently in the firehouse shower, washing the green gooey ectoplasm off of her body from their earlier bust, warm water running down her smooth skin, singing into her shampoo bottle...daydreaming about Erin’s arms around her.

Erin peruses the inter-webs to find out how late the Carnival goes until, and how long a drive Rosewood County is from Manhattan. Boom. Google Machine for the win: Open until Midnight. Two hour drive. It’s just a little after 1:00pm now. If they leave at 2:00pm, they’ll get there at 4:00pm and—she smiles, deciding that she doesn’t need to map out every little thing. She just wants to be there with Jill. She just wants to hold her hand in the car. The car…

“Uh, Patty…Can I take the Ecto-1 for a little spin outside the city?” Erin asks, batting her long lashes.

Patty looks at her with suspicion “A spin outside the—“

“I wanna take Jillian to the Carnival,” Erin cuts in with puppy eyes, hoping Patty’s affection for Holtzmann will win her over.

“Aww…” Patty gushes, “Well, I mean, you know, Holtzy would love that. I guess it’ll be okay, I mean as long as you don’t get it sucked down a portal—"

“Thank you, Thank you!” Erin beams, squealing like a child, and throwing her arms around Patty.

She feels like there's a million butterflies in her stomach.

Erin leaves Jill a note beside her plate of food, before heading home to change.

_Dear Jill,_

_Would you like to go to a Carnival with me? I hope the answer is yes because I’ll be back to pick you up in precisely one hour. Pick out your favorite mix-tape for the car._

_Love, Erin_

_P.S. You are a masterpiece_

Erin returns to their headquarters in a soft red sweater, corduroy pants, and tall brown boots. The perfect autumn outfit. Jill is waiting for her nervously. Patty helped pick out her outfit and fix her hair. She’s wearing a blue long sleeve crop top that matches her eyes, a pair of worn-in dark purple overalls, her yellow glasses tucked into the chest pocket, and black shiny laced-up boots. Patty has tied a plaid bandanna in her hair like a headband, but instead of the back being up, her blonde curls tumble around her shoulders and down her back.

She’s smiling sheepishly, her dimples showing, when Erin walks in.

“Wow,” Erin says, her breath catching in the back of her throat.

“I’m driving,” Holtz winks, licking her lips as she grabs Erin’s hand and pulls her out the door.


	8. October Sky

The women have the windows rolled down. The crisp, Eastern October air stinging their cheeks. Jillian has one hand on the wheel, the other is holding Erin’s hand in her lap. She alternates between intertwining their fingers and rubbing the back of Erin’s hand with her thumb. Billy Joel’s _Miami 2017_ plays thru the stereo. Jill loves this song. Her eyes are focused on the road, her yellow tinted glasses on, and Erin notices the crease that forms on Jill’s forehead, in between her eyebrows, and the way her lips come together in a pout when she’s concentrating.

As they head out of the city, the trees lining the street are spectacular hues of reds, oranges, and yellows. Erin made hot cider that she’s sipping on while staring at the way Jill’s chest rises and falls. The skin of her tummy peeking through the side of her overalls…so soft, Erin thinks. Jill is ten years younger than Erin. At 42, Erin feels like the first days of her life have just begun. Every mishap, mistake, and disappointment has led her here. Gratitude swells inside of her chest.

_I've seen the lights go out on Broadway. I saw the ruins at my feet…_ Jill sings along.

Erin pulls Jill’s hand to her lips and places a warm kiss to the back. Jill sighs.

“Erin?” she asks. “Hmm?” Erin replies.

“Why do you like me?”

“Like? Oh. Well, I love you. I’m…I’m in love…with you,” Erin tells her, bringing Jill’s hand to her cheek.

“But why?” Jill asks, her heartbeat speeding up.

Erin isn’t sure she can explain it adequately. Maybe in terms of chemistry or biology. The physiological reaction she has to Jill could possibly be explained with science. But can it fully? Is love simply chemical? Biological? She doesn’t think so. The way she feels—the love she feels, is bigger—it’s transcendent.

“Well, I…I just can’t help it,” Erin starts, “I can’t take my eyes off of you. I don’t want anything to ever hurt you. I want to hear you laugh every day, and I want a million more days so that I can dance with you again. I love watching you come up with new brilliant creations, and the joy it brings you. I love what a good friend you’ve been to Abby. There is not a single soul in this universe that’s anything like you, Jillian Holtzmann.”

“That’s because I’m a mess,” Jill says, looking tense.

“That doesn’t matter to me. You’re my mess. My perfect, beautiful, hypnotic…You’re not a mess. I’m a mess. We’re all a mess,” Erin goes quiet for a moment, “You’ve been so hurt…and it makes me hurt,” Erin’s voice is shaking, “but you don’t have to face it alone anymore, sweetheart.” Erin takes a chance,

“You belong to me.”

Jill glances over interlacing her fingers tighter to Erin’s.

“I’m sorry…was that…too possessive? That came out so—“

“No,” Jill replies, she understands what belonging means. She’s never truly belonged anywhere, to anyone.

Erin leans over and traces her fingers over Jillian’s ear, she tangles them in her hair, pulling them through the curls, twisting little strands around her index finger. Jill shivers.

Erin hands her the hot cider, still playing with her hair.

The afternoon sky looks magic. The clouds cast a yellow and purple hue all around. The Carnival lights appear in the distance.


	9. Carnival

Jill has a mouthful of pink and blue cotton candy, turning her tongue lavender. Erin holds a red balloon. She feels like she's living her most fantastical teenage dream. Only she is a phD of astrophysics and has the coolest job on the planet. If only teenage Erin could see her now—see how beautiful life turned out.

Jillian spots a magnificent looking Merry-Go-Round and takes off running, yelling at Erin to follow.

Erin hangs back for a moment watching Jill's blonde curls bouncing around her shoulders; watching the way her light blue eyes look in the late-afternoon autumn sun when she spins around to yell back to Erin. Everything is in slow motion. In that moment, Erin sees the little girl Holtz once had been. She knows what her hair would've smelled like when she came inside from jumping in a pile of leaves. Erin finds herself caught in nostalgia for a memory she only experiences in her imagination. But it feels more real than anything she's ever known.

Rosewood County is beautiful. Maybe someday she'll buy a house here...Jill can paint and cook and build ghost-killing nuclear weapons, and Erin can plant that garden she's always wanted.

"Erin!! The Carousel!! Come see— Oh Erin, please!" Jillian is yelling.

Jill lifts Erin onto a blue and purple unicorn and climbs onto the pink and white stallion beside her. The music starts and the world is spinning by in a blur of twinkling colors.

Erin doesn't care who's watching, she leans over to Jill, pulling her by the strap of her overalls and kisses her hard on the mouth, biting her bottom lip. Jill opens her mouth, letting Erin deepen the kiss. Jill tastes like cotton candy.

The art student who hurt her all those years ago evaporates from her consciousness completely. Erin is all that matters. Erin is a thousand times more beautiful than she could have imagined in her wildest dreams. And Erin's kissing her on a carousel. Erin doesn't call her names when Jill stares at her. Erin stares back.

"I love you, Ghost Girl," Jillian says with stars in her eyes.

Erin's still swooning when the man at the balloon booth looks skeptically at Holtz who tells him she wants the grand prize, a gigantic pink bear with hearts for eyes.

"Don't cha have a fella to win that for you?"

"I don't need a _fella_. I'm going to win that bear myself."

Pop. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Jill blows on the end of the barrel after popping all the balloons on the first try.

"The bear's for her," she smirks, pointing to Erin.

"Come on baby, I'm going to buy you a Rootbeer float," Jill says.

After putting her bear in the Ecto-1, they walk hand in hand through a giant pumpkin patch sharing a huge Rootbeer float. Jill missed the way the foam and cream tickles her mouth. They just polished off two corn dogs. Aside from Jill's cooking, nothing beats Carnival food, Erin thinks.

It's almost dark now and they can see that the Ferris Wheel is lit up. It looks beautiful against the night sky. Jill knows Erin is scared of them though, so they ditch it and decide to go into the Funhouse.

The mirrors tilt and distort their figures and faces making them giggle uncontrollably.

They wind their way into a back room of the Funhouse where they're alone. Erin licks her lips and gently pushes Jill's back against the wall. She slides her hand up Jill's side causing a tiny whimper from the blonde.

"Erin," Jill breathes, "I've never...I've never been with anyone before. You. You're my first."

Erin wouldn't have cared if Jillian had been with a thousand other women before her, but she finds this news endearing.

"Well, you're the first woman I've ever kissed," she breathes, "So, we can be each other's first. We'll figure it all out together."

Erin traces her hand further up the younger woman's side, feeling her bare tummy beneath her hand, and stops just under her breast. "Is this ok?" Erin asks into Jill's mouth.

Jill brings her hand on top of Erin's placing it over the thin fabric of her shirt, swallowing back the lump in her throat.

"Oh my god..." Erin moans, her hand gently pushing into Jillian's breast.

Their mouths come together and Jill brings her hands to Erin's face, pulling her even closer.

Jill kisses like she's desperate to taste and be tasted. She sucks Erin's bottom lip between hers and barely let's Erin come up for air.

"I need you," Erin pants, "I mean I want more. More Of you. I need you," she says again, feeling dizzy.

She wants to memorize every inch of Jillian's flushed face, her body, and hair, down to the bandanna tying it back and the cotton candy stain on her shirt.

"Take me home?" Jillian asks. She, too, is memorizing every fleck of blue in Erin's eyes.

"Yes, darling," Erin answers.

They stumble out of the Funhouse into the cold night air. Erin pulls Jill close. This date has been better than any fairy tale, and the night is young.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love them.


	10. I Belong to You

Erin follows Jill into the younger woman's downtown apartment. It's a beautiful menagerie of inventions.

It looks like a scene from _Chitty Chitty Bang Bang_ or a Buster Keaton film.

Erin's need for more of Jill only intensified on the drive back to the city. Sensing this, Holtzmann leads Erin to her bedroom, filled with her original paintings.

"Aww," Erin sighs tenderly. The butterflies in her stomach are fluttering wildly. She feels like she's in a sacred space. Jill's prayers and dreams happen in this room every night.

Erin suddenly feels light-headed, her finger tips are tingling. She's never needed anyone like this.

"I want you," Erin says turning to face Holtz. She takes a step closer and swallows, "Show me what you like."

Jillian sits on her bed and pulls Erin into her lap. Erin straddles her and breathes in her scent. She's surrounded by it in this room. It's intoxicating.

Jillian's always had a strong oral fixation. She gently licks her lips and kisses Erin's neck. Her strong arms pull Erin flush against her body. Erin wraps her arms around her as she feels the muscles in Jill's back tighten and release as Jill moves her lips down to Erin's collarbone.

Erin leans her head back, giving Jill more access. No one has ever made her feel this good and she's still fully clothed.

Jillian slips her hands under the bottom of Erin's sweater. Feeling the reaction to her warm touch, she looks up into Erin's eyes, "May I?" She asks, and Erin lifts her sweater off, tossing it on the bed.

"You are alarmingly beautiful, Erin Gilbert," Holtz says, as Erin pushes her back onto the bed. She unhooks Jill's overalls, pulling them down past her navel.

"I just..." Erin breathes.

"Yes?" Jill pants.

"Your body..." Erin answers.

Erin gently pushes Jill's shirt up over her full breasts. Her light pink nipples match the color of her gorgeous mouth. "If I'm dreaming, please don't ever wake me," Erin moans.

Erin's desire overtakes her as her mouth finds its way to Jill's breasts. Erin's warm tongue and light breath causing the younger woman to gasp, grabbing the comforter beneath her, balling it in her fists, feeling the familiar pooling between her legs. This time, she knows it's okay.

Erin brings her mouth to Jill's adorable belly, kissing her there as Jill moans beneath her, arching her back. She's so soft that Erin feels like she's losing her mind.

"I want you," Jill whimpers, "I want to feel you inside of me."

Hearing this, Erin comes completely undone. She slides back up Jill's body, and kisses her roughly, Jill's warm tongue making Erin's heart pound in her chest. She pulls Holtz's overalls the rest of the way past her hips and off her body. Erin brings her fingers to Jill's panties, gently stroking the fabric, barely pushing in to feel how wet she is.

"Oh my god," Erin says for a second time.

She sits up pulling down her own pants, discarding her underwear with them, now completely naked.

Holtz stares in adoration, melting Erin's heart.

Breathless and aching with need, Erin still asks, "Are you sure?"

Jill answers by closing her mouth around Erin's, using her tongue to spread open her lips and suck them gently, with that same desperate longing Erin felt at the Carnival. Erin slides Jill's panties the rest of the way off.

Now that Jillian lays completely bare before her, Erin realizes that it is possible for a person to be even more perfect than you ever imagined. She spreads Jill's thighs, letting her knees fall open. Erin tenderly kisses from her inner thigh back up to her hip, as she comes between Holtzmann's legs, kneeling on her open thighs, keeping them apart.

"Please," Jill whispers, sliding her hands up and down Erin's hips. Her light blue eyes begging Erin to touch her.

Erin slips two fingers inside of her, never having felt anything so warm or sensual or soft in her entire life. Erin's breath catches. Neither of them can suppress the moans escaping their throats. Erin curls her fingers in a 'come here' motion, brushing against Jill's cervix, causing the younger woman's eyes to widen as she grasps onto Erin's arm.

"You're okay," Erin assures her, "I've got you."

Jill relaxes into this feeling and places her hand over Erin's forearm, where the older woman's hand is inside of her body, feeling every fear melting away at Erin's touch.

"Baby," Jill whines with an ache in her throat, "I belong to you," she reminds her, pressing her soft, pink mouth to Erin's.

Erin is so close to the edge. She kisses back down Jillian's delicious little body, sliding in between her legs, lifting the blonde's thighs on top of her shoulders and holding underneath, pulling Jill into her mouth.

Erin's mouth finds Jill's clit with ease, and Jill brings her hands down between her legs cradling the back of Erin's head—tangling her hands through Erin's hair, feeling Erin's tongue push inside of her.

Ecstasy takes over Jill's body, until she's screaming the older woman's name.

"I'm coming, Erin. Ohh--I'm, I'm," Jill arches her back as the most intense orgasm of her life pulses through her. Erin feels Jill's thighs tighten around her and she brings her fingers inside of her again, wanting to make sure Jill feels full in every way.

Erin's never experienced an orgasm without touching herself, but she came twice just listening to Jill moan above her.


	11. Enough

Erin feels the younger woman's hands tighten in her red hair. Jillian's body is still tense when it should have started to relax. Erin lifts her eyes to see Jill covering her mouth and tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Baby...What is it? Did I hurt you?"

"I don't want to feel guilty anymore," Jill sobs. The release from Erin making love to her bringing every emotion she buries so deep to the surface.

Erin's not scared of her tears this time. Jill belongs to her, she needs her right now.

"Why do you feel guilty? Talk to me, Holtz. Tell me so I can make it better."

"I feel guilty because I made something I wasn't able to save. I feel guilty because my life is so beautiful now. And I don't feel empty anymore," her voice cracks and tears run down her chin.

Erin moves up and places her hand over Jill's heaving chest, feeling her heartbeat.

"Jill, repeat what you just told me. But this time, leave out the guilt."

"I made something I wasn't able to save," Jill chokes, "My life is so beautiful now. And I don't feel empty anymore."

Erin gently massages her chest.

"Good girl...See, how much better that sounds? What happened wasn't your fault, Jill, and you deserve a beautiful life. Max is not disappointed with you, sweetheart."

Jillian clamps her hand over Erin's, crying audibly.

Erin puts her other arm under Jill's sweat soaked body and pulls her up against her own. She presses her lips to the small woman's cheek, kissing her tears as they fall. Jill's flushed cheeks and baby blue eyes are beautiful as ever. Her mouth is red and wet from crying.

Erin continues, "You can let go of the guilt without letting go of her."

Jill squeezes her eyes tight, tears cascading down.

"I can?" She asks. 

"Yes, baby," Erin replies.

"Do I need to pop out seven more kids to make up for it?" Holtz chokes, hiccuping.

"No!" Erin suppresses an incredulous laugh, "God...has this been suggested to you by someone or—"

"No," Jill cries, "I just feel like I owe that. Like I should be punished, or have to prove I can do it."

"You owe exactly nothing to no one. This is your body, Jill. It is your life and if anyone owes anyone something, it's the universe that owes you for all the pain you've fought your way through...

"Jill look at me, if you want to have a child again someday, then we'll make that happen—"

"No, I don't. I feel Max every time I look at the sun. She made me a mother, and that was enough for me."

"Good," Erin says, "because you are enough for me. You're all I need. And we can visit Max anytime you want. And we can have 13 cats. And we'll get the hairless kind so Abby can come over all the time and—"

Jill's dimples peak out behind a shy smile, "We can?"

"We can do anything you want. As long as I've got you, we can do anything."

"I love you so much," Jill says, burying her face into Erin's chest.

Jill falls fast asleep in Erin's arms. There are no nightmares, just a sweeping dream of a yellow house framed with lilac trees in Rosewood County, Erin with grey hair picking strawberries from a garden. Holtz is fixing up an old car in the garage...

Her eyes flutter against Erin's cheek as her breathing evens out. Erin pulls the quilt around them pressing a kiss into Jillian's forehead, sleep overtaking her as well.


	12. To Love is What You Have Shown Me

The next morning, Jill showers and heads to the firehouse early. She makes a huge breakfast for her friends. Eggs, bacon, gravy, buttermilk biscuits, hollandaise sauce, and freshly squeezed lemonade.

Abby gets there next. She's missed her little engineer. She surprises Holtz by wrapping her arms around her from behind, resting her head on Jill's shoulder. "Hey kid," she says, "How was your date?"

"Yeah, how was your date?" Patty chimes in coming into the kitchen.

"Damn, baby, this smells amazing! You need to get laid more often!"

Jill blushes and playfully smacks Patty with the spatula.

Erin walks in glowing. The four eat their breakfast while Jillian tells them all about the Carnival and Erin shows them her bear which is now proudly displayed behind Kevin's desk.

The phone rings, and another ghost is terrorizing a hotel on the Lower East Side.

They're all giggling and teasing as they grab their gear and head out to the Ecto-1. It's a beautiful day to bust ghosts. Abby sits by Holtz making her laugh til her sides ache, while Erin reaches up from the backseat tickling her every time she comes to a red light.

Patty tries to get them to focus, but she's laughing so hard herself tears are running down her cheeks. They're all wiping their eyes when they pull up outside the hotel.

Erin takes Jill's hand as they get their packs on.

"Hey E, I think Holtz can catch a ghost easier if you aren't trying to make out with her."

"Yeah. You ladies are seriously gonna have to get a room," Abby laughs.

"I know, I know," Erin says in her cute voice, "but I love this girl. I have to protect her."

"Protect Jillian Holtzmann, always," Abby says, turning to Jill as they do their famous handshake.

Patty smiles, winking at Erin.  
  
The sun is shining. This is what love feels like. 

_"...physics is the study of the movement of bodies and space and it can unlock the mysteries of the universe but it cannot answer the essential question of what is our purpose here and the purpose to me is to love, and to love is what you have shown me..." —Jillian Holtzmann_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked the sequel.  
> I put a lot of my heart into writing it. :) thanks again for reading!


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